Okay, not exactly the way Shakespeare would have put it.
Here it is on the verge of spring, 2010. Wow. Nearly 2 years since I started this blog, but of course many months between posts anymore.
So where are we now?
*yes, still working with the same employer. Schedule currently: 11-8. Moving next week to 10:30-7:30. This means less time in the morning to nap. Which might force me to be productive in the mornings. Or mean a shorter nap? I'm not sure which. Seems I have little control over these things.
*gas prices, up & down. Ugh. If I could change one thing (other than winning the lottery, of course) about having to work, I'd like a commuter train so I could sit & read or relax on my trip to/from town for work, not drive & spend money on gas.
*Ned's job... well, over 2009 his company laid off about 1/2 its workforce. Ned had enough seniority that he didn't lose his job. But every minute of OT was cut. Bottom line: in 2009, Ned made $20,000 LESS than in 2008. Ouch.
*We are not making a ton of headway on our debt, but at least we're managing. Which considering the loss of income, says a lot.
*I am still taking fluoxetine, and have managed to work myself up to a daily dose now without side effects.
*In December of 09, I finally took the time to have several surgeries that were needed. And so for the moment it seems that medically, I'm in okay shape. Of course, no answer to the other medical mysteries yet (numb face, etc). But I've pretty much given up on them & just ignore it.
The hernia that had developed (from previous surgery incisions) is healing now, although I have some strange pain in left side. Surgeon says probably due to "referred" pain. Something the mesh is sewed to in the middle of abdomen is causing nerve pain on the left.
Also had a hysterectomy, but still have my right ovary, since left was already gone. The uterus had taken a nosedive & was flat as a pancake, along with prolapsed bladder & bowels. Yeah, nasty. But all back in place now & healing up.
*Ned's medical issues... well, he's still smoking, and my observation leads me to believe he's increased his intake in recent months, after working himself down again. His smoking kinda reminds me of my weight issues. Which is why I don't ride him too much about it b/c I understand that struggle.
However, in 2009 Ned developed a new medical issue for him. At the risk of being too graphic, let's just say our sex life took a nosedive. I forced him to see his family doctor, but the doctor thinks its due to smoking and high cholesterol. Both issues Ned doesn't want to deal with. So, it just is what it is.
Considering the condition my girly parts were in for most of 2009, it was a non issue. Now that I'm fixed, it's becoming an issue.
However, the biggest issue with Ned is the same one I keep going round & round about. And that is the fact that I'm just plain old lonely in this relationship. And then I feel guilty feeling that way because he works hard, doesn't demand much of me, loves the kids, etc. He has very many excellent qualities. But I feel sometimes that we're more like roommates than spouses.
The good thing is that because of our work schedules, we don't spend nearly as much time together anymore. Just days I don't work. And in the past few months, when I've actually had the same days off as Ned (Sat & Sun), it's become more of an issue for me.
Sure, we have to do laundry, clean house, grocery shop, etc. on the weekends. But once that's done and the kids are in bed, all Ned wants to do is lay in the recliner (or bed) and watch TV. He somehow thinks that should be enough "quality time" for me.
I admit, I am a bit needy. I admit, I've always had this (perhaps unrealistic) fantasy that someday I'd feel all the love I didn't feel as a child. Maybe it's wrong of me to expect Ned to be something he isn't??
And then of course, this all goes back to Nellie's nagging. When I don't feel that I am full with love, I fill myself with food.
Ahhh yes. Food. The cure-all.
Incidentally, my younger sister just last week had a gastric bypass in her effort to kill her relationship with food. For her sake, I hope it works. Well, medically it will force her to lose. But I don't know if she's done the hard work of dealing with her relationship with food. And ultimately, that will cause failure.
I think a lot about my relationship with food. As I'm preparing for work, I pack food for the day, since I'm gone over lunch and dinner time. As I'm driving to work, I'm mentally evaluating whether or not I have enough food packed (which I generally do). And I start to see all the grocery stores and restaurants I pass and think "maybe I should stop and get something to eat NOW so I am sure to have enough for later..."
Really now, would I physically *starve* in 8 hours at work? Not in a million years. Will it harm me? No. Then why do I fear it so? Why do I fear hunger?
Maybe because when I feel hunger, it opens up every scary emotion I had as a child. Abandonment, fear that my parent doesn't care if I am hungry or hurt, feelings that I am not valued, loved. Fear that I'm not important to anybody.
It's not just hunger I feel. It's all that emotion that goes hand in hand with it. And I am not strong enough to ignore all that emotion. So I shut it up by eating and never feeling hunger.
The problem is, I usurp the feeling by eating too much, too often.
And I'm not sure what the solution to this all is. It's not just a matter of eating less and exercising more. Eating less and allowing my body to adjust means feeling hunger and facing the dragons within.
And then of course, you add Ned to that mix. It's easy to deal with his issues regarding sex because of course I'm fat and unattractive. But what would happen if I changed that, lost 50 pounds. And then what if nothing changed with Ned?
It's easier to stay the size I am and blame other things on my size. Because if I were to be different and Ned is not, then I have another whole can of worms to deal with. Is he really medically ill? If so, how can I get him to deal with his cholesterol and smoking? If not medical, then what? And oh boy, that's somewhere that he does not want to go.
Well, though I was supposed to let Nellie do the talking, I guess I did not. Not sure how long it will be before I check in again. We'll see if Nellie has any thoughts next time though.
