The waiting game...

Wait, wait wait. There's plenty of waiting to be done in this world. We wait for mealtimes. Wait for the alarm to ring in the morning. Wait for the time to start our jobs and then wait till we can go home.

Waiting, for Nellie, is just another opportunity for worry. Yeah, she's just stuck on this worry bit right now. I can't seem to keep her mind off it.

This week has been the usual. Go to interviews. Wait for the rejection letter. Wait for other potential employers to call. Wait for the interviews. Wait for further notice.

This week, she sucked it up and sent a letter and documentation to the disaster-loan agency that they've been working with to repair the flood damage from last year, asking for more funds because unforseen cost overruns have left them $5,000 short of what they need to finish the job. Even while the heavy rains of this spring are creating more damage, Nellie worries about how to finish making last year's fixes! Wait. wait.

She could be waiting weeks for them to reply. In the meantime, she worries about further rains flooding the not-even-completed basement. She worries about the everyday bills, now that Ned's overtime has been cut by 5 hours/week and could go down another 5 per week soon. Without that extra overtime, the budget will be almost impossible. Her only response will be to cut vital services such as internet (eeeks) and satellite TV (which we all know she'd happily live without, but Ned would be very unhappy without).

I've been working hard all week, trying to figure out ways for Nellie to let go of all this worry. It worries ME that she's so worried.

On Saturday last weekend, her oldest daughter went to a town nearby to visit friends. Her father lives in that town and despite Nellie's concerns, the daughter showed up unannounced at her father's house, asking to see her siblings (whom he's kept from her for two years now to punish her....long story). He met her at the door and flatly refused her. Told her that she had to "apologize" for everything that's happened (long story) before she'd be welcomed in their home again.

Well, even though this is rather what Nellie expected her ex-husband to say, it was still a shock to get her daughter's report of such. It sent her into a tailspin emotions and I thought she was going to have another crying fit. But she did not.

Instead she decided to turn her attentions to something productive. She began to re-read and edit her major work of fiction again, a chore she's been putting off for months now. It gives her some comfort to read about fictional characters suffering through what she and her sister did. Somehow, it puts everything into perspective for her and gives her hope. After all, even though it's not a perfect resolution (as many fiction books give) her characters do gain resolution in the end. All questions are answered (at least somewhat) and they all have peace.

Well, no sooner did she set her sights on finishing this project and got a few hours under her belt but her older sister called. Oh boy. Nellie is the middle of 3 sisters who grew up together. Both Nellie and the older sister have the same set of parents. The younger had a different father. The older 2 have other half siblings from their father's side. Two different sets.

But for the 3 sisters who grew up together, their mother is the thorn in their side. Family-wise, that is. And mother is really losing her mind. Seriously. I wouldn't put anything past Nellie's mom at this time.

I may have mentioned before, maybe not. But Nellie's mom has paranoid schizophrenia. At least that's the conclusion of her daughters. But of course, their mother doesn't believe it. If you know anything about this condition, you know that nobody can talk "sense" into the person who's suffering from it. Nobody. Nohow. Noway.

And yet, the older sister has been at it again. Trying. Of course, that just stirred the pot even more. And so there's chaos of the highest order within the family right now.

Just one more thing Nellie did NOT need in her worry-bowl right now.

So I've been thinking. While it probably isn't any type of a fix at ALL, I am going to set up a worry-jar for Nellie. You know those clay jars that you see in gift magazines and even at wal-mart that say "shopping fund" or "retirement fund" and other humorous options? Well, I'm going to designate a jar or something for Nellie. I'm going to set a pad of small note papers beside it. And every day I'm going to make Nellie write one thing on it that she will consciously put out of her mind that day. Just one thing. The next day, she can choose not to worry/thing/ruminate/worry/ponder/contemplate or worry about something different.

Now, hopefully Nellie won't just worry MORE about the other things in her life those days. I don't know if she worries because there's so much to worry about or if she'd do the same amount of worrying (excessive worry) if there was only one itty bitty teeny weeny thing to worry about.

I do know from experience that Nellie does have the ability to not-worry excessively. I've been around for times like that. They do exist. They will come back. But somehow we have to break this cycle of worry right now.

Sure, it would help if she were able to snag a good-paying job with decent hours and doing something she enjoys. It would also help if she could figure out how to get the funds to finish the basement up and put her yard back together (it's washing away in the rains and is a huge mess). It would also help if she had adequate funds every week to pay all the bills and not wonder how she's going to grocery shop again (the damned economy has been seriously wreaking havoc on the family budget).

But if I took all those things away (IF I were able to, of course) would her worry go way down? Would it go back to normal? Or is this a giant swirling vortex that she's not going to be able to swim out of without professional assistance?

I wish I knew. I'm still tossing out ideas to her now and then, about setting up some appointments with a counselor. But so far, no dice.

In the meantime I, too, am playing the waiting game. I wait for Nellie to determine to make a change.

Plop, plop, fizz fizz...

Nellie can't seem to catch a break lately I think... she did, indeed, get all her medical stuff taken care of this week. A job interview is what prompted it, actually. She started thinking that if she got a job offer, it would be helpful if her annual exams were all underway already.

So. How did it go? Very strangely.

First off, she put in a request to see a different doctor as her primary physician. Since moving to this clinic (insurance change) 5 years ago, she hasn't really ever found a doctor who understands her. The last guy was obsessed about her heart and cholesterol. So what? Her bad cholesterol is higher than normal. SO is her good cholesterol!

Besides, cholesterol, like weight and exercise are difficult things to think about when you're fighting a battle with stress that keeps you literally paralyzed with worry.

So Nellie hasn't ever really dealt with the cholesterol yet. And she knew that if she went to see the same doctor, she'd just get another lecture and be forced to justify why she's not taking the medications he prescribed (several times... he got to where he was mailing her an rx and a brochure every so often!).

So she requested to be seen by a different doctor. A D.O. , a Doctor or Osteopathic Medicine (as opposed to an M.D., a Medical Doctor). Supposedly they are supposed to be more in tune with the whole body and how one thing affects another, etc. She thought maybe this guy would clue into the role that stress is playing in her life and medical issues and that perhaps he would refer her on to a counselor or suggest some sort of medical intervention for temporary use.

But no, he didn't. Neither. Neither did he clue in to her stress (he seemed to agree stress could be causing her medical issues, but didn't ask enough or clue in enough to see how stressed she is) nor did he refer her on to anybody who would.

He did refer her to neurology, however, in case she's having migraines. Which she likely is, but stress-induced perhaps. Well, the Neurologist was not terribly helpful either, and in fact, he told her "you don't look stressed to me!"

Well, let me tell you, that pissed me off! And Nellie, well, she just about burst into tears, but managed to hold back. She gave him the 30-second rundown on stress and was even more explicit with him than she's been with most doctors. She told him she's been having crying fits and about the "hamster" who never stops running in her head (how she worries all the time). He listened, seemingly quite bored, and when she was done, he stood to inform her that she seemed quite healthy "for someone with only one kidney."

Ack!!! Nellie protested to the nurse, who thankfully was a little more in tune than the doctors she's seen. Her question to the nurse was this: what do I have to do for them to see how stressed I am? Do I have to go in there and cry like a baby or what? By this time, she was actually crying. But the doctor was nowhere in sight.

So her foray in to the medical world left her more stressed, ironically. I'm not entirely sure what she's going to do now, although I think she should just put in a call to the clinic's mental health department and ask to be seen there. Hopefully they're not such clueless clods.

One thing that Nellie said to her online group of friends today made me see a connection that maybe I haven't really talked about yet. She said to them that she's always had trouble "letting go" of trauma in her life. Once the event is past, she can't seem to shake it and move on. This is very true!

Past traumas are always there haunting her. In her dreams, in her actions, her subconscious. And she doesn't know how to exorcise them. Like demons, in a way, they eat at her, keep her from feeling peace and joy and prevent her from moving forward.

And in the same way, perhaps, I am so hard for her to let go of for the same reasons. Maybe when she learns how to "let go" of her past, her trauma, her hurts, can she let go of me?

Of course, you know, I'll always be here in some form. After all, I'm necessary. But I don't mind being a lot smaller than I am now. In fact, I spend considerable time turning excess calories into future storage and I'm running out of space to store these calories. I'm going to have to open up some new territory here if she doesn't stop eating so much soon. And I could use a vacation, here too! I'd like to sit back and not have to work so hard all the time!!

So unless Nellie wants to start seeing fat rolls on her knees and elbows, a third belly roll falling over her pants or a huge double chin, she needs to cool her jets.

I challenge Nellie to work on "getting over it". I know, I know, some things are too current to "get over" (construction nightmares) but there's plenty else she can "get over" and move away from now that will likely provide some relief to her.

Relief. If only it were as easy as Alka-Seltzer. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is. Okay, I'm showing my age. I'm gonna quit for now!

~Flo