The B-Bomb

It's a beautiful, albeit somewhat chilly, May day in the Midwest. Nellie is enjoying the view out the window--a pair of robins that are nesting in her yard are worm-hunting in the great piles of freshly pushed around dirt. The landscape has gone from huge piles to piles spread back out. Good for the birds!

I sit contentedly turning vanilla nut coffee cream into stores of future calories. Yeah, it's not the fat-free stuff. That only comes in a couple of flavors and it gets boring having that all the time. However, even the fat-free creamer has calories, so I still get to do some work, since she drinks creamer in her coffee every day. Not as much, perhaps, but it doesn't take much for me, Flo, to do my thing!

Well, I must report something quite interesting. Ever since I let the cat out of the bag last week, Nellie hasn't been behaving tooooooo terribly. I expected her to really go hog-wild with the snacking. Not to say she's all 'fixed' or anything, but she didn't go on a splurge-of-horrific-proportions. Hmmm. We'll have to do some speculating about what that means.

At any rate, now I'm back to my mental list of other topics I wished to bring up in our discussion about myself. To remind you all (read: for those of you who are just dull enough to have missed it in the first place) my name is Flo. Short for 'Floret'. And I am Nellie's fat. Yes, fat. Need I repeat myself again? Yes, fat. Take a good laugh and get over it. I am writing this blog so that I can share with you why I exist.

I exist, obviously, for medical necessity. Zero fat is not good. We've established this. However, I am more rotund than is desirable for Nellie's body. And let me say again, this is not my fault! I am merely doing my job. It is Nellie who must realize why she overfeeds me and under-exercises her body (causing me to be ever more efficient) and how she can modify this behavior.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this issue, I have been pointing out the reasons that I (being a somewhat passive and unbiased observer of all things concerning Nellie) can so easily see to explain Nellie's eating behaviors.

I've already pinpointed several of them:
1. her nervous disposition
2. her stubborn insistence that she can damn well do whatever she wants as an adult
3. her nagging fear of failure as a writer
4. her lonely existence

Now, since last time we talked about the L-Bombs (love and loneliness) this time I thought I'd talk about the B-Bomb. Not to say that we're entirely done with the L-Bombs. We'll come back to them later. But today I want to talk about Nellie's perception of Beauty and what it means to her to be thought of as 'beautiful' by her husband Ned.

Nellie grew up with conflicting ideas about her beauty, or lack thereof. Her older sister used to put her down a lot, probably in reaction to her own self-esteem issues. Her mother always told her how much she "looked like Grandma" and apparently that was a good thing, but then this was coming from the same mother who gave her nicknames such as "urchin" and "hog jaws". Nellie was (by the standards of the '70's) a chubby child. This of course set her up for a lifetime of confusion when her mother fed her as much as she desired to eat (during times when food was plentiful) and yet put her down for being chubby.

So Nellie didn't feel beautiful growing up. When she turned 10, she had a growth spurt and slimmed down quite a bit naturally. She had beautiful blond hair and earrings and straight teeth, plus she was as tall as her 12 year old sister (who by contrast had thin brown hair, no earrings and crooked teeth) and suddenly began to attract the attention of boys at school. This infuriated her older sister, who did her part to beef up Nellie's low self-esteem by beefing up her criticism of her sister.

When Nellie was nearing her 12th birthday, she and her sisters were put into foster care. During the years that Nellie stayed with that family, whom I'll call the Smiths, she was given messages regarding beauty as well. Her foster parents didn't pick on her about being chubby (and she grew much chubbier during the first few years there as there was never a scarcity of food). But they equated 'beauty' all in terms of Biblical views of the subject.

For instance, she was told that having her hair cut short, which had long been a preference even though she rarely could afford a haircut, wasn't beautiful. Proper young women have long, flowing hair that they pin back modestly or wear in braids or buns. Permanents, dye and other hair-altering concoctions were discouraged until adulthood.

Jewelry, clothing and behavior also was expected to be appropriately modest, in order to conform to the Bible's view on femininity and beauty. Dresses were strongly encouraged, jeans and tee shirts were discouraged (or forbidden...things that did not meet the approval of Mrs. Smith disappeared from closets and dressers). Wearing shorts in the summer was strictly forbidden. After all, a proper young woman does not go about displaying her body for boys and men to see!

So much of what Nellie was taught about beauty during her teen years was rooted in shame. You will be shamed, a hussy and a slut, if you wear X,Y or Z. Everything you chose, from your clothing to your hairdo to the way you walked and talked, was all for the sole purpose of not bringing shame to yourself by appearing as if you wish to attract the opposite sex at all.

Let's just say it was modesty in the extreme. But Nellie adapted and while she internally rejected most of what was taught her in that culture, she complied for the sake of keeping peace with her foster family and 'doing her time' there.

Nellie's first serious boyfriend, who later became her first husband, had strange notions of beauty himself. While he outwardly claimed to lean toward the modesty-theory (as his mother was the perfect example of such) he inwardly had a rather tawdry desire for the neighborhood slut-types. Hahaha! If only his mother had known! For the sake of this blog, we'll call him Bobby.

Bobby didn't dare break out of his 'good son' image and seek to date the neighborhood sluts. His brother got to do that instead (as the bad-sheep of the family). So Nellie was a good choice on some levels. Safe.

During all the years they dated and were married, Nellie was never made to feel that she was beautiful. She lost a considerable amount of weight late in high school, but yet her status as a church-going-goody-two-shoes (pushed upon her by the Smith's) kept anybody but Bobby from being interested in her.

Often during those years when Nellie was dating/married to Bobby, she'd ask him "am I beautiful?" and he'd always give her the same answer: "you're cute." He refused to tell her she was beautiful because, as he frankly put it, she didn't fit the mold of traditional beauty. But that's okay, he told her, she should just be happy with what she is.

She accepted it and just ignored her nagging concern about being 'beautiful.'

After her divorce, she dated some but never really had enough comfort level with a few of them to ask that fatal question: am I beautiful. However, she did get such a compliment from one of them while he was a bit tipsy. Does that count?

Those couple that she actually did ask for their assessment, she got varying answers. Most of them were confused about the question. One gushed about her beauty as a person, another gushed about her apparently desirable boobs, but mostly what she got was "you're cute". Judging herself against models and movie stars, I suppose 'cute' should suffice?

What Nellie isn't trying to get is some lame statement comparing her to the likes of Cleopatra, but an assessment of whether or not any man who supposedly 'loves' her also finds her beautiful, despite cultural conventions. Finding her 'beautiful', in her own way of thinking, equates 'true love'. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?? Well, if a man who supposedly 'loves' her deeply doesn't find her beautiful, what does that say about the quality of his love? These are thoughts that nag at the back of Nellie's subconscious.

Perhaps this is entirely neurotic, flawed thinking on Nellie's part. Personally, I've never been able to understand her fixation on the issue. But then again, as I grow, Nellie herself feels less beautiful all the time, thereby increasing her need to hear that, despite my heft, she is still beautiful to the people she loves.

As a way to obtain that assurance, she makes barbs at herself. Ned, being the somewhat tuned in man he can be (when Nellie has his full attention) poo-poo's her comments aside. When pressed he will even say "you're beautiful to me."

Well, okay Ned, that's closer. You've gotten closer than any other man in Nellie's life. But that isn't exactly what she wants to hear, you clod!! Just tell her she's beautiful, for mercy's sake!

Ahhh, sometimes I wish I had the ability to leave messages on Nellie's skin, like the demon in The Exorcist! hahaha! Do you think Ned would listen to me? Or would he just call in the priest and try to get rid of me that way? If only it were as easy as some holy water and prayer.

Ohhhh, but that's tomorrow's topic. Best not get ahead of myself here!

Flo the archeologist

Yes, I am like an archaeologist on an important dig. I start out taking a shovel and hauling out a few good chunks of dirt. Then I move to the hand trowel. And finally, as I inch closer and closer to the item I'm seeking to uncover, I pull out the tiny brush and gently dab at my finding.

Nellie's been feeling the effects of my shoveling and troweling. In fact, she's trying very hard to get me to shut up. In the day since my last post, Nellie has consumed some pretty drastic servings of ice cream (not something she normally even likes a lot of), a horrible-tasting but no-doubt fattening brownie, larger helpings of every meal and today, a half-pound of chocolate covered peanuts.

What's up with that, Nellie, I want to ask. Why is she punishing me...or is she punishing herself? Does she think that feeding me, granted except for that horrid brownie it was all pretty darn good, I'll stop my quest, stop excavating down to the last speck of dust?

Oh no, Nellie, don't you go thinking you can stop me that easily!! No sirree, I'm not going to stop, and unless you are going to forsake your computer, you won't likely get me to shut up anytime soon.

You see, Nellie knows what's coming. I promised you there was much more to her eating habits and sure, there are several topics I've been mulling. But there's one biggie to come. Nellie desperately doesn't want me to talk about this. She thinks it will do no good to bring it up; nothing will change. But still, it lurks under every decision about food that she makes.

I hadn't planned to really drop the L-Bomb --Nellie's BIG issue-- just yet but thought I'd deal more with the trivial matters of food and fat first.

But the past few days have really convinced me that we need to get this out into the open. Sooner is better than later. If Nellie has her way, I'll never talk about this, so out with it!

What, you are probably wondering, is the L-Bomb? Well, it's going to be my way of referring to the L's of Nellie's life. Love and Loneliness.

Nellie tries to poo-poo away the effects of these issues, but I know that it's literally eating away at her. And as these high-charged emotional issues eat at her, well, you already know what she does to shut it up (as if that works... come on Nellie, get real!).

Yeah, deep down she knows that it doesn't work. But it's all she knows to do to ease the emotions that arise in both of these situations.

Let's take a brief look at Nellie's education about, and experience with, both of these L-Bombs.

First, love. Nellie doesn't really recall any sense of love from her family as a child. She didn't have the supremely confident knowledge that her mother loved her no matter what. She didn't feel love from her older, bossy and acting-out older sibling, either. Her younger sister, nearly five years her junior, was pretty loving. That's one relationship that she's always maintained fairly easily. Without a stable father in the picture, where was a child to get love?

Nellie didn't really bond with most of her step-fathers or mother's boyfriends. They rarely lasted more than six months (even the marriages). She soon learned to live a solitary life within the bubble of her existence.

Nellie's mom talks about how much she always loved her kids and did what she felt was best for them, but Nellie doesn't remember things that way. Backing her up are the memories of her siblings, who also say they didn't feel that their mom was "all about her kids" like she claims.

So Nellie grew up not really feeling loved, and rather feeling that it wasn't terribly important. When you never know you're missing something, you tend not to feel neglected or at a loss. It's only when you have something and then lose it, that you realize what you are missing.

Nellie's teen years were spent in the foster care system. This is a whole other can of worms meant for another day. But as for lessons in love, there were scant few. Her foster parents' marriage was a strange one, indeed, and while they claimed to love each other, it seemed more like a marriage of convenience for the both of them.

One thing that she did observe and pick up on, however, was that two adults can live under the same roof and not be fighting and angry constantly. That was definitely a revelation for her. While she contributes most of this semi-peaceful existence to her foster-mother's religious beliefs (in that the man is the boss and the woman goes along with whatever), she does look back and realize that it was good for her to see *something* different than what she'd thus far observed in her mother's interactions with men.

So Nellie went into the world as an adult, with a boyfriend who was a year ahead of her and already in college. Here again, a story for another day. There weren't any real lessons she learned about Love from him or his family, except to say that there are some seriously twisted views of 'love' in the world.

Several years of dating long-distance led to marriage and Nellie's oldest daughter. The marriage itself was over within months of the wedding, in Nellie's view point. It dragged on for four and a half long years before she finally walked away from the situation.

But one thing that she definitely took out of that relationship was a sense that her marriage had been immensely lonely.

Ahhhh, so this leads us to Lonely, the other L-Bomb.

Suffice it to say, Nellie's growing up, and years in the foster home, were full of loneliness. She'd always been a bit shy and solitary as a child, and while she always had a few loyal friends, she's remained, to this day, a somewhat solitary adult. She's a home body and enjoys peace and quiet, a simple existence and a good book or a sewing project.

But one thing that Nellie insisted, when single, was that if she ever got into a long-term relationship again, she refused to be lonely.

That song by Dan Fogelberg "Lonely In Love" is what comes to mind. "Baby You're My One and Only, Why Must I be Lonely In Love?"... ahhh yes, Dan and Nellie must have been soul mates or something because so much of his music resonates the feelings and experiences of Nellie's life. In fact, I think that if her fictionalized account of her family ever were turned into an epic movie, the entire soundtrack could be easily found amongst the body of work by Dan Fogelberg. It was a sad day, indeed, when he was lost to the world earlier this year.

Okay, well, if you haven't ever heard the full song, you can read the lyrics in full on Dan Fogelberg's website: http://www.danfogelberg.com/alphalyrics3.html

So well, anyway, all my background has probably led you to the proper conclusion already. Yes, Nellie is, despite her determination never to be in this position again, lonely in love.

How did this happen? Well, I have to say that it's kind of Nellie's own fault. She suspected that things might end up this way, but she didn't back out of the relationship anyway. Why?

Well, it wasn't because she was desperate to stop being single. Nellie had dated a handful of men in the eight years since her divorce. Nobody lasted much longer than six months; half didn't last that long! She'd pretty much been burnt out by dating. If it wasn't a man cheating on her (egads, let's see...of the five she dated in those years, three cheated!), it was a man who was trying to turn her into something she wasn't (yes a story for another day) or a man who was still in love with another woman. Yeah, she picked some winners!

Which is exactly why she didn't back out of the relationship with her current husband, whom I'll call Ned. Ned is as faithful as the family dog. Ned wasn't still in love with his ex and had no agenda to turn Nellie into something that she wasn't.

Ned had a lot of great qualities going for him. Those were mighty attractive to Nellie. He's funny--he's the kind of guy that everybody likes. He's easy-going, not a hot-headed control freak like her first husband.

He's hard-working. He's been putting in as much overtime as he can for all these past five-plus years so that Nellie could be home with the kids.

He loves his kids and is proud of them. He's sweet and considerate far more often than any other man Nellie dated.

Oh, and did I mention that he's an excellent cook? Nellie started packing on the pounds almost immediately after they began dating!

So what on earth does Nellie have to complain about, you may ask.

Well, perhaps Nellie has unrealistic expectations of relationships, but it is what it is: she's lonely!

Ned is a blue-collar worker with a physically laborious job. He's been working 10-hour days for five years now. And on and off for months on end, sometimes it's 6 days a week. It's been 6 days a week for five months now.

Ned is pretty typical of Midwestern blue-collar workers in many ways. His life is very predictable and he likes it that way. He goes to work early in the morning, works all day, comes home and eats a big meal, then promptly retires to the recliner where he sits with the dog in his lap, snoozes on and off all evening, and eventually collapses into bed when he wakes at some point in the night.

Nellie feels guilty expecting more out of him, but most nights she has the vague sense that except for his brief appearance at the dinner table (he eats quickly and leaves her and the kids alone to finish a lot of nights), she may as well be a single parent. But unlike being a true single parent, she's not free to seek out any other man for emotional companionship. That would be considered either cheating, or nearly-cheating (as the rules for relationships have become more complex with the addition of the internet).

And even though you didn't ask, no doubt you can guess about how much of a sex life this evening routine gives the couple. In short...not much.

Ned gets defensive and makes excuses if Nellie tries to voice her feelings about the situation to him. Doesn't she realize his job is physically demanding? Doesn't she realize that he's working as much as he can for the family? It all boils down to: don't you appreciate me?

Ned needs to feel appreciated, and for sure Nellie does her part to make sure he's appreciated. She tries very hard not to nag him about helping out with the house, the kids, the pets. If he's sound asleep when the kids need putting to bed, she does it herself. If he cooks and leaves a mess, she cleans it up. If he washes laundry and leaves it in a wrinkled mess, she folds it.

Not to say she's a saint; she does her share of bitching at him for things he does that annoy her. But when it comes to her real feelings about the quality of their emotional relationship, she pretty much keeps quiet these days.

Nellie has some pretty specific ideas on what things could improve this situation, but Ned will have no part of it. First off, she'd like to banish the TV. When Nellie was single, she and her daughter spent most of those years without a working TV at all. They never, ever had cable or satellite TV. If they watched TV, it was usually a movie they owned or rented. When they were done watching the movie or show, the TV went off. It was never on for 'background noise' and instead they spent time reading, working puzzles, playing games or being active.

Ned knew that Nellie's life was like this, and when the pair first began to talk about living together (as Nellie absolutely refused to consider marriage until knowing if she could live peacefully under the same roof as Ned), Nellie brought up her concerns about Ned's level of TV watching.

He assured her that it was simply because he lived alone and had nothing else to occupy his evenings. While skeptical, Nellie accepted his answer. When they moved to the house they still live in, Nellie suggested choosing at least 2 days per week when the TV would not be turned on at all. Ned initially agreed, but never really stuck to it. Nellie at first objected, but she didn't put her foot down.

And so now seven years later, the TV is on seven days a week, from the moment Ned finishes his supper to the moment she turns it off sometime after he's fallen asleep.

More TV time has taken its toll on Nellie, too, by the way. She used to ride bike a lot, walk in the evenings. In order to spend any time at all with Ned, she's learned that she must sit in front of the TV with him, most likely munching on something as well.

So Nellie most definitely feels that the TV is a large culprit in the whole fat-battle. And I have to agree. It is much easier for me to beef up if the TV keeps her sendentary.

However, there are many evenings when Nellie just can't stomach the thought of sitting and watching TV. These are times when she either reads a book in another room, works on her solitary hobbies (sewing, crochet), plays with the kids elsewhere (although they, too, have come to realize that getting ANY time with Daddy in the evening means sitting with him to watch TV) or spending time at the computer. All of which leave her feeling lonely when she realizes that there in the next room is a man she really loves, but who takes no interest in her whatsoever.

Ned has occasionally made note of Nellie's computer time and how he feels that she spends more time with the computer than him. What a twist of irony! haha! What he can't seem to understand, no matter how many times Nellie tells him this, is that she'd rather spend time with the computer (where at least she can create and communicate with friends online) than with the TV. Spending time with Ned in front of the TV equates basically spending time with the TV. He just doesn't get it. Or maybe he's setting her up to "take the blame" here by acting like Nellie is ignoring him. Hard to say how that will pan out.

But I do know that if Ned said "let's take a walk" or "let's play a game" or "let's just chat about our lives" she'd be flipping the monitor off so fast his head would spin! Try telling him that, though. It becomes a handy excuse for him: well, Nellie is always on the computer... why shouldn't I watch TV & be comfortable??

So what does Nellie do in response to all of Ned's TV time and lack of any emotional time for their relationship? All together now (you should know this by now): she eats.

In her own twisted logic, Nellie feels that since Ned doesn't seem to notice or care, she rarely puts on makeup (in fact, tells her he doesn't care if she wears makeup or not). She doesn't bother to dress up, preferring sweats or yoga pants that stretch and baggy tee shirts. She doesn't fix her hair, because no matter how she looks, Ned will say 'you look fine' to her.

He thinks that by being 'accepting' of whatever, he's showing Nellie that he loves her. But all he's really showing her is that he doesn't care. That's not love. That's apathy.

Now, don't get me wrong. Nellie does believe that Ned loves her. But she also believes (and has believed since early in the relationship) that Ned is somehow emotionally stunted in terms of being able to be truly present in this relationship. Was it something in the nature of the relationship between his parents that gave him these strange notions of how to behave in marriage? Is it some leftover baggage from his first marriage? I tend to think it was the first. His parents, while they loved their kids and (presumably) each other, were only peripherally involved in each other's lives. He seems to think that the status quo he grew up with is acceptable, or maybe that breaking out of that mold would mean having to examine the dysfunction that was his parents' marriage (both are deceased now, so it's easier to just remember the good & forget the bad).

Either way, Ned almost subconsciously builds up walls between himself and Nellie, and being too tired, too engrossed in a TV show, too sore to be involved, have become easy walls indeed.

Another oldie but goodie in terms of songs comes to mind. Barry Manilow, singing a song about father and son: we're two ships that pass in the night. But we smile and we say it's all right. We're still here, it's just that we're out of sight, like those ships that pass in the night.

Nellie feels like she and Ned are ships that pass in the night. They love each other, there's no doubt about that. But Ned's choices, whether conscious or subconscious, are causing Nellie to live a life of loneliness. She wants a husband who will spend time with her in the evening, not time in front of the TV.

She wants a husband who will read to the kids (and not just one quick book so as to ease his conscience so he can hurry up and get to his TV). She wants someone who has enough energy after a day of work to go for a walk (Ned always says his feet hurt) and will be awake for a while so that she can chat with him or just have someone to say to her 'how was your day?'.

It's those things: taking time to be with her and talking to her, that indicate to her that she's loved. Sure, Ned does {in his own way} show love to Nellie, but he also needs to understand that she needs to have it shown in ways that mean something to her, too! Sometimes she thinks Ned really doesn't even know her. It's like they stopped talking the minute they started having sex, or the minute they moved in together. The talking, the sharing, the getting to know each other should not stop after the initial phase of the relationship. Yet, for Ned, it was sufficient. It wasn't for Nellie.

And lastly, she wants someone who cares about her health. Ned thinks that by being 'accepting' of her no matter what she weighs, that he's showing he cares. Actually, Nellie feels just the opposite about it. It's almost like she's purposely not losing weight, just to see if she can force Ned to care about something...anything! What if she got to be 300 pounds? Would he care? What if she ends up diabetic, housebound, incapable of caring for herself? Would he care?

See, in order for Ned to care about how Nellie treats her own body, he'd have to become conscious of and learn to care about how he treats his body. Ned has been a smoker since high school. In eight years with Nellie, he's attempted to quit, actually quit for a couple years, but started again in secret, and now smokes those evil small cigars. He smokes maybe one in the evening at home. Sometimes two. Always outside, in any weather, so the kids won't see. He won't be able to hide this forever, but he still tries. So he's not a chain smoker. But he knows he shouldn't smoke; he knows that Nellie hates it. But she accepts it.

Ned also has high cholesterol (very bad, in fact) and yet continues to pander to his equally bad eating habits. Before Ned came along, Nellie helped curb her eating by simply not buying and having junk food in the house. If she needed something that badly, she'd go out, buy one serving (mini half pint of ice cream, single-serve bag of chips, one can of soda) and be done with it. But Ned, well, he works hard and he feels that he deserves to have ice cream, soda, chips and dip and all that stuff handy for his evening snacking (which incidentally hasn't gone down since he started up smoking again). He thinks that Nellie, if she feels those things are bad for her, simply shouldn't eat them. More for him. He feels that she should not punish him by refusing to allow those foods in the house. She should have the self-control not to eat them.

Yet his own double-standard (i.e., expecting Nellie to have the self-control not to eat the junk while he himself doesn't have the self-control to stop smoking completely) escapes him. Conveniently.

Ned also shuns exercise of any sort and conveniently blames his slothful behavior on his job and a back injury he suffered some years ago. But Nellie doesn't buy it any more. He wasn't like this for several months when they dated before living together. He managed to stay awake and do things in the evening with her and even said he'd like to bike or walk in the evenings. And even more telling, when Ned has a week of vacation, is well-rested and not laboring physically day in and out, he still maintains the same routine--exhausted by 7:00 p.m. and insisting that he must be in his recliner in front of the TV. When he's home on a weekend, after sleeping in in the morning, he falls asleep at 10:00 a.m. in the recliner, in front of the TV.

Nellie believes very strongly that "being tired/sleepy/sore feet/aching back" while they may have some basis in reality, have become a convenient way for Ned not to be present emotionally in their relationship.

Whether it's because he doesn't know how to have a truly emotional relationship, or he's afraid to do so, she doesn't know. And she doesn't know how to determine which it is. She's considered demanding that they seek the assistance of a specialist, but she knows that while Ned will go along with it, he won't easily do the introspective work required to come to any real conclusions about himself and act accordingly.

What are her other options? To go have an affair? Hardly Nellie's style at all. However, the temptation to find a male friend for some emotional bonding is present. Considering her lack of social life however, it's hardly going to be happening.

Should she try to shake Ned from his complacency by demanding he change...or else? Since she has no real intentions of breaking up the family over this issue, that seems a rather ineffective way to proceed.

Should she tell Ned how she feels? Well, believe me, she's been down that route before. Several times. And what has been the result? Do you really have to ask? Yes, Ned has made efforts to change. For a day or two. Maybe a week.

But since Ned really doesn't understand the root of the issue: that until he makes permanent changes in his behavior that result in him being able to spend more quality time with his wife and children and result in him truly caring about the health of the entire family, Nellie will forever be languishing in love and filling her emptiness with chocolate covered peanuts and brownies.

But mostly, unless he cares enough to change for his own sake, nothing is going to change.

However, that being said, don't think I'm going to let Nellie off the hook on the eating thing. Understanding why she's eating like this is one thing. Letting it continue unchecked for another...no way girl.

I don't know how just yet, but I'm going to find some way to get through to her. Maybe I should just beat Ned upside the head with a two-by-four and tell him his wife is eating herself to an early grave because she's lonely in love.

Don't suppose that would work, though. So back to the drawing board for me.

Not sure what our next topic will be. This is going to take some getting used to for Nellie--now that the words are down there in black and white and read all over (lol, old joke... in another generation no kid will have a clue what a newspaper even is!). So expect my next report to include all sorts of junk she's stuffing in her face, insecure in the knowledge that her big secret with the L-Bombs is out there in cyberspace for all to see!!

Nervous Nellie

It's me, Flo, here again. Since yesterday, I've been doing some thinking about my person. Since I gave myself a new name, I think I should also give her a name. You know, this could get really strange referring to her as "my person" all the time. So, after a night wherein she didn't sleep so hot, I've decided to call her Nellie. As in 'Nervous Nellie'.

Most of how Nellie lives life is just going along doing her thing day after day. She doesn't spend considerable amounts of time psycho-analyzing herself and asking 'why' she's doing this or that. Very few people do. But since I just lay around all day waiting to transform her next meal into pockets of stored *you-know-what*, I have time to think about 'why' she does what she does.

The answer to 'why' is not a simple one, believe me. After forty years with Nellie, I probably know her best. But where to begin? Today, let me just explain her new nickname.

Nellie has been nervous since the day she was born. Of course, nobody really noticed it until she was three or four years old, I suppose, but I always knew it was there. What started it? Well, I'm not medical doctor or psychologist, so I can't say with ultimate authority, but some obvious facts come to mind.

Even before Nellie's birth, her parents split up. Long story, full of he-said, she-said, but the bottom line is, Nellie's mom had a very unhappy, depressed, heart-breaking pregnancy. I believe that there is something to it, and even a few scientific studies have addressed this topic. Being very unhappy and depressed emotionally during pregnancy does have an effect on the fetus.

But go back even another generation, to Nellie's grandmother. Not that I ever knew her, mind you, but from what I've heard, now there was one nervous woman.

So right off the bat, Nellie had two strikes against her. Nervous genes and an unhappy gestation.
Nellie lived in relative bliss, unaware of her father's absence, during her infancy, but when by the age of five she'd been through two step-fathers and was on the verge of getting a third, you can just about imagine her insecurity and stress levels.

A stable childhood is the most important thing that parents can give their children. Nellie, to put it mildly, didn't have much of that.

Nellie's mom is someone who, both then and even now, still fights her own demons (we'll get to those another day), was also a rather strict disciplinarian with her children. I remember Nellie hiding in a corner of a room, dabbing a mosquito bite that she'd scratched till it bled. She was petrified that she'd be spanked for having scratched it. Hello? A mosquito bite?

But you get the idea. Nellie lived in a world of fear, uncertainty and confusion. And as a result of her genes, her environment and her history, she is by nature, a rather nervous individual. In her childhood, her mother always called her a "worry wart" because she worried incessantly about the smallest things. Will the storm blow our little trailer away? Will there be enough food? Will you come home tonight, Mommy?

As a teen, she turned to chewing her fingernails. Only sheer willpower allowed her to overcome that, but then she merely began chewing the insides of her lips (another surefire way to know if she's nervous even to this day). She worried herself into sickness on more than one occasion throughout her teens and for some years, survived on (then Rx) Tagamet and allergy shots.

An early, and failed, marriage set off every worry-wart tendency she had, leaving her overweight and stressed to the max again. Getting away from that situation helped immensely, but as anybody who's lived life knows, there's always another challenge right around the corner. Her peace was soon shattered by any number of challenges, and now is no exception.

So I think it should come as no surprise to you or me that she has taken to eating as a way to calm her nerves. What has she got to be 'nervous' about at this time in her life??

Well, things have been rough for Nellie. After leaving her first husband and being a single parent for many years, during which time she had to overcome quite a few emotional issues and grow as a person, she hooked up with her current husband.

Nice guy, he is. But in his own way, he contributes to Nellie's nervousness (more on that another day). And then they had children. Nellie only wanted one child more, so she could go back to work in 6 months. She hadn't been happy at home with her oldest child (now an adult) and wanted to avoid the emotional and creative slump she knew would come.

Unexpectedly, a second child followed almost immediately thereafter. Wow! Two babies in 2 years? Not only was that hard on her, physically, but it made it all the more difficult for her to work herself back out of the lovely layer of *you-know-what* that she gained during two pregnancies.

And here we are, more than five years later. Nellie, despite some attempts otherwise, is still home full-time with the children. She hasn't been without any creative outlets, having written two books that have been published, one of which was quite popular. She lives what many women wish they could live: the ideal life.

But still, she's nervous. Nervous about not being the main bread-winner any longer. This is a role she assumed for many years and was not comfortable giving up. She's nervous about money issues in the slumping economy. The children are about ready for school, but will she get a job? What if she doesn't?

And worst of all, her nervous eating has pretty much put her back, weight-wise, to where she was at the end of the last pregnancy.

NOW comes the revelation that I had in the middle of the night, when Nervous Nellie could not sleep. I, FLO, actually serve a very necessary purpose for Nellie. I help her stay *happy* to be home. Because she's self-conscious now about her weight, she's less inclined to avidly seek a job. And by not avidly pursuing job opportunities, she's resigning herself to staying home, which despite her revulsion of the idea (continuing to stay home indefinitely), it's comfortable and safe.

So you see, I am not the culprit here. She is purposely feeding me, making me store all those unnecessary calories.

The question is now... how to get her to change?

Well, that's no easy task, I'm sure. First thing to do is to keep identifying the reasons why Nellie does what she does. Nervousness, I suspect, is just one piece of the puzzle.

Stay tuned!