Nervous Nellie

It's me, Flo, here again. Since yesterday, I've been doing some thinking about my person. Since I gave myself a new name, I think I should also give her a name. You know, this could get really strange referring to her as "my person" all the time. So, after a night wherein she didn't sleep so hot, I've decided to call her Nellie. As in 'Nervous Nellie'.

Most of how Nellie lives life is just going along doing her thing day after day. She doesn't spend considerable amounts of time psycho-analyzing herself and asking 'why' she's doing this or that. Very few people do. But since I just lay around all day waiting to transform her next meal into pockets of stored *you-know-what*, I have time to think about 'why' she does what she does.

The answer to 'why' is not a simple one, believe me. After forty years with Nellie, I probably know her best. But where to begin? Today, let me just explain her new nickname.

Nellie has been nervous since the day she was born. Of course, nobody really noticed it until she was three or four years old, I suppose, but I always knew it was there. What started it? Well, I'm not medical doctor or psychologist, so I can't say with ultimate authority, but some obvious facts come to mind.

Even before Nellie's birth, her parents split up. Long story, full of he-said, she-said, but the bottom line is, Nellie's mom had a very unhappy, depressed, heart-breaking pregnancy. I believe that there is something to it, and even a few scientific studies have addressed this topic. Being very unhappy and depressed emotionally during pregnancy does have an effect on the fetus.

But go back even another generation, to Nellie's grandmother. Not that I ever knew her, mind you, but from what I've heard, now there was one nervous woman.

So right off the bat, Nellie had two strikes against her. Nervous genes and an unhappy gestation.
Nellie lived in relative bliss, unaware of her father's absence, during her infancy, but when by the age of five she'd been through two step-fathers and was on the verge of getting a third, you can just about imagine her insecurity and stress levels.

A stable childhood is the most important thing that parents can give their children. Nellie, to put it mildly, didn't have much of that.

Nellie's mom is someone who, both then and even now, still fights her own demons (we'll get to those another day), was also a rather strict disciplinarian with her children. I remember Nellie hiding in a corner of a room, dabbing a mosquito bite that she'd scratched till it bled. She was petrified that she'd be spanked for having scratched it. Hello? A mosquito bite?

But you get the idea. Nellie lived in a world of fear, uncertainty and confusion. And as a result of her genes, her environment and her history, she is by nature, a rather nervous individual. In her childhood, her mother always called her a "worry wart" because she worried incessantly about the smallest things. Will the storm blow our little trailer away? Will there be enough food? Will you come home tonight, Mommy?

As a teen, she turned to chewing her fingernails. Only sheer willpower allowed her to overcome that, but then she merely began chewing the insides of her lips (another surefire way to know if she's nervous even to this day). She worried herself into sickness on more than one occasion throughout her teens and for some years, survived on (then Rx) Tagamet and allergy shots.

An early, and failed, marriage set off every worry-wart tendency she had, leaving her overweight and stressed to the max again. Getting away from that situation helped immensely, but as anybody who's lived life knows, there's always another challenge right around the corner. Her peace was soon shattered by any number of challenges, and now is no exception.

So I think it should come as no surprise to you or me that she has taken to eating as a way to calm her nerves. What has she got to be 'nervous' about at this time in her life??

Well, things have been rough for Nellie. After leaving her first husband and being a single parent for many years, during which time she had to overcome quite a few emotional issues and grow as a person, she hooked up with her current husband.

Nice guy, he is. But in his own way, he contributes to Nellie's nervousness (more on that another day). And then they had children. Nellie only wanted one child more, so she could go back to work in 6 months. She hadn't been happy at home with her oldest child (now an adult) and wanted to avoid the emotional and creative slump she knew would come.

Unexpectedly, a second child followed almost immediately thereafter. Wow! Two babies in 2 years? Not only was that hard on her, physically, but it made it all the more difficult for her to work herself back out of the lovely layer of *you-know-what* that she gained during two pregnancies.

And here we are, more than five years later. Nellie, despite some attempts otherwise, is still home full-time with the children. She hasn't been without any creative outlets, having written two books that have been published, one of which was quite popular. She lives what many women wish they could live: the ideal life.

But still, she's nervous. Nervous about not being the main bread-winner any longer. This is a role she assumed for many years and was not comfortable giving up. She's nervous about money issues in the slumping economy. The children are about ready for school, but will she get a job? What if she doesn't?

And worst of all, her nervous eating has pretty much put her back, weight-wise, to where she was at the end of the last pregnancy.

NOW comes the revelation that I had in the middle of the night, when Nervous Nellie could not sleep. I, FLO, actually serve a very necessary purpose for Nellie. I help her stay *happy* to be home. Because she's self-conscious now about her weight, she's less inclined to avidly seek a job. And by not avidly pursuing job opportunities, she's resigning herself to staying home, which despite her revulsion of the idea (continuing to stay home indefinitely), it's comfortable and safe.

So you see, I am not the culprit here. She is purposely feeding me, making me store all those unnecessary calories.

The question is now... how to get her to change?

Well, that's no easy task, I'm sure. First thing to do is to keep identifying the reasons why Nellie does what she does. Nervousness, I suspect, is just one piece of the puzzle.

Stay tuned!