The G-Bomb

It is I, Flo. And I apologize. It's taken me more than a week to get around to the next promised segment in our discussion of Nellie's eating issues. It's not that Nellie hasn't been at the computer, but she certainly has been there less in the previous days.

Work on the construction continues, and in the past week Nellie has (as the General Contractor and money-manager of the project) had the misfortune of seeing her construction budget go from -$246 to well over -$3700 in less than one week.

If you might imagine, the stress has been considerable and poor Nellie has been suffering from migraines and other issues brought on by the stress. Between that and actually helping one contractor (right down there in the muddy ditches around the house, alongside the actual workers) she's been pretty wiped out and computer time has been minimal.

Oh, but she *did* do one thing of which I am proud! She entered a short story into a writing contest. While it's not mind-blowing, every time I read it, I am moved emotionally. Even now, Nellie herself has read and edited it dozens of times, and she still gets emotional at the end. It's an emotional topic: families separated and kids growing up not knowing their father. That's a hot topic for Nellie. However, one for another day perhaps.

Today, as promised, I am going to talk to you about the G-Bomb. Yeah, I'm having a little too much fun with this "Bomb" theory here, I admit. But it's catchy perhaps?

The G-Bomb, as you probably can guess, is God. Now, is it God's fault that Nellie over eats and under-exercises? Not hardly. I'm not even going to try and persuade you to that course of thinking. To try would be a shallow attempt at finger-pointing.

No, God doesn't control, or cause, Nellie's eating. But what I'm trying to say here is that Nellie's on-again/off-again/confused-again relationship with God adds to her other emotional issues, which then fuels her eating and exercising (lack thereof, to be precise).

How can God affect ones mood that much? Well, if you'd been raised as Nellie was, you wouldn't be asking that question.

Nellie's understanding of God has had as many twists and turns as a the famous road along Mt. Tamalpais. There are places along that road where you can't see anything but the trees around you, and at other points, you are treated to the most stunning views. That's about how Nellie has related to God. At times, she can't even fathom his/her/its existence. At others, she's speechless with the wonder of the seemingly obvious proof before her eyes.

Nellie's mother had a very strange indoctrination in religion. Her mother's father was raised Catholic, but strayed. He married a woman, had a child, divorced her and took up with Nellie's grandmother. They had Nellie's mother, and eventually married before Nellie's Uncle came along. So not exactly living the Catholic lifestyle. Eventually Nellie's grandfather decided to get his religious lifestyle right and started attending church properly. (oh boy, another topic for the docket!)

Nellie's mother recalls going to church and religious education at a very young age and participating in all the Catholic rituals such as first communion and such. Nellie's grandmother, however, was not raised Catholic but desired to become one. She spent considerable time (years) studying and attending classes and becoming active in the parish in an attempt to "be" Catholic. She carried little drawings of saints in her wallet, placed crucifixes above every doorway and never missed Mass.

But it apparently wasn't enough, and when Nellie's mother was 16 years old, her grandmother died of cancer. Unconfirmed and unable to receive last rites, she died believing that she wasn't good enough for God because she had not become Catholic.

The entire episode sent Nellie's mother and Grandfather into chaos and a rejection of the Catholic church. They never went to church after that, as far as Nellie knows.

So growing up, Nellie's mother only told them the basics about God. He lives in heaven. He is nice and loves everybody. Nellie was cool with this and when her mom (in order to get some sleep after long Saturday nights out on the town) sent her and her sisters to whatever church was closest on Sunday mornings, Nellie felt comfortable that she was doing a good thing. God loved her. God was nice. What more must one know?

The downhill slide in Nellie's understanding/acceptance of God began when she was 9. If you've been reading carefully, you already know that Nellie's foster parents were uber-religious freaks that imposed their strict views of God onto her.

But, you may be surprised to know that it wasn't them who started the slippery slope. They just kept her on it.

When Nellie was 9, she met a new girl at her school (she herself had moved to this town a few months earlier, so Nellie was anxious to befriend anybody she could). This girl invited Nellie to come to her church on a weeknight for something called "Awana". Don't ask what it stands for, I've long since forgotten. But anybody who's been to Awana knows exactly what it is.

In short it's a group of team-oriented games that are played around a colored circle (divided into quadrants) on a floor. The games themselves were fun and all that jazz. No problem. But, as Nellie soon discovered, the games and prizes are only there to lure kids into the "devotional" time that soon follows. And it's there, in that time, that the high pressure sales tactics of the church were revealed.

Starting with the very first week, and every single week afterwards, the preacher talked incessantly about one 'fact'. He sprinkled this 'fact' in between fun stories of Jesus, miracles and Old Testament lore of great battles and people like Moses and King David.

This starting, frightening and dreadful 'fact' that was pointedly inserted into every story and message was this: you, Nellie, are a sinner! Your heart is as black as coal! And unless you accept Jesus as your personal Savior by saying this "prayer" you will go to hell and burn forever. You could die at any moment and you do not want to miss this opportunity to listen to God!

Nellie, whose only knowledge of God prior to this revelation was that God loves her and is nice, was more than a bit shocked by this news. Was it true? Did God really wish to send her, a helpless 9-year old, to hell forever? Just because she had not come to the understanding that she was a sinner, whatever that was!

Well, it didn't take too many weeks of this high-pressure tactics for Nellie to 'give in' and 'accept Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior'. Not only did the pastor harp on it endlessly in his messages, but when the entire group broke into smaller groups for lessons by age range, the teacher of that group took her aside privately to assess her "born-again'ness" and eagerly offer to help her "get saved" (after all, there were stars in a crown to be had in Heaven for each person you 'brought to the Lord').

Nellie, being somewhat on the shy side (okay, okay, a bit stubborn and skeptical as well), decided to "ask Jesus into her heart" privately. She'd heard the "prayer" they were to say dozens of times, knew the Bible verses that applied to salvation and just decided she would be a DIY'er of Salvation!

To her shock and dismay, when she said "the prayer" nothing happened. There was no "shock" to her system (as apparently she was expecting some physical reaction in her heart when Jesus 'came into' it). She didn't feel this great weight of relief come upon her (after all, by age 9 she hadn't yet got around to committing adultery or murder yet) and the entire experience was completely anti-climatic.

However, Nellie assured herself that she'd done the right thing, even if for purposes of insurance. Who knows...perhaps they are right? Perhaps God really does send everybody to hell unless they've said "the prayer"?

Fast forward to the following summer. The family has moved yet again, and this time, the nearest church is of the same denomination that Nellie's friend belonged to. This church doesn't have Awana, but they have Sunday school and youth group meetings and such. Nellie's mother finds a neighbor who attends and lines up for the girls to be picked up for every church activity and service. More free time to sleep off her partying, I suppose.

The high-pressure sales tactics were present at this church as well, but Nellie smugly informed them that she'd already been 'born again' so they more or less let her be. Towards the end of the summer, some family in the church sponsored her to attend a week of Bible camp nearby. That was really a lot of fun, except for the twice-daily chapel sessions fully loaded with the sales pitch again (I wonder if all these people became timeshare salesmen in the future? The tactics of inviting you to a free weekend at a hotel IF you sit through the sales pitch seems vaguely familiar here!).

Well, Nellie stuck to her story and informed her cabin counselor that indeed, she was already 'born again.' But this time, the counselor demanded proof. Proof? What sort of proof does one provide for having said a prayer? When Nellie asked what kind of proof she desired, the counselor asked to see the date written in Nellie's Bible. Say what? Doggone it! Sure as shit, they have a fool-proof system for determining if you did it "their way". Frank Sinatra be damned, apparently there is no "I did it my way" allowed in Salvation?

Well, Nellie didn't have any proof because at that time she had not yet earned her free Bible for attendance. The counselor didn't stop with the questioning. "Who led you to the Lord?" she asks. Oops. When Nellie told her that she said the prayer on her own after hearing about it, the counselor replied that 'she may not have done it right' and offered to 'lead her to the Lord' again!

Well, Nellie wasn't having any of that, let me tell you! She'd done it once, and in her opinion, done it correctly. She'd said "the prayer" exactly as quoted by the pastor and could recite all the Bible verses to back it up! She politely declined the counselor's offer.

However, that incident wasn't the last of the subject. Somehow, it seemed as if everybody Nellie came in contact with at the camp just knew that she wasn't 'born again' the right way! The pressure mounted and at the last evening chapel session, it seemed as if they were not going to let her attend the bonfire unless she raised her hand, went forward during what's referred to as the 'altar call' (wherein the sinners who wish to be born again come to the front of the church to be gawked at by all those smug already-born-again people) to 'receive Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior'.

Nellie hated the thought of giving in to them, but she'd decided that 1. there would be no peace for her until she did... the counselors no doubt would find a way to get word to the pastor at the church she attended and they would go back to the high pressures sales tactics every week with her and 2. she'd at least get a date and signature in her Bible this time, so that nobody would EVER question her born-again'ness again! To be constantly scrutinized under a religious microscope, having everything questioned as "would someone who's reallllllllllllly a Christian say this, do that, listen to this, read that, wear this, laugh at that..." was infuriating. If she had a date and a signature in her Bible, she could show anybody who questioned her as proof!

So yes, Nellie raised her hand when the preacher asked for everybody to bow their heads and for those who wished to be born-again to hold up their hands. She went forward at the altar call and allowed herself to be led to a dark side-room where counselors with flashlights sat waiting for their prey. She allowed herself to nod and make the appropriate responses to the Bible verses as they were outlined and managed to stumble through the prayer, as though it weren't rote. And when she emerged, she had a date and a signature in her Bible.

Can you see where this is all going? Can you see how Nellie's early interactions with a rabid crowd of fundamentalist religious wackos set her up for a lifetime of sensitivity to the ever-changing face of God?

Well, luckily for Nellie, the family soon moved again and when they landed in the same small town where she'd lived her early years, she was comfortable with taking up with old friends and classmates. There was no church nearby and Nellie's mom seemed to have forgotten to look for someone to take them away on Sunday mornings. Nellie's older sister was now 12 and 'old enough' to look after her younger sisters whenever their mother needed "space".

However, as fate would have it, shortly after that move, Nellie's mom broke up with the boyfriend (whom they'd been living with) and they moved to the other side of the bay. And per another stroke of fate, their landlord was the local doctor (oh boy, another topic for another day) and the real estate agent who handled his properties was none other than Mr. Smith (future foster father).

As his religion dictated, Mr. Smith wasted no time in inviting Nellie's entire family to his church (notably, of the same denomination that the previous 2 churches and Bible camp had been) and while Nellie's mother politely declined, she more than willingly offered up her three daughters to the wolves.

Nellie's mother never questioned anything these churches taught her kids (because, frankly, she never inquired or cared). So without anybody to speak any reason to her, Nellie just assumed eventually that indeed what these churches were saying must be true.

In less than a year, things went from bad to worse there and Nellie's mother began to party long hours, days on end, often leaving the girls alone with no idea of her whereabouts. The girls were accustomed to this behavior from their mother; it had been going on for years. But Mr. Smith, who was 'just doing his duty' as the landlord's agent, soon figured out what was going on and began putting calls into the county's child welfare workers.

And such is how Nellie and her sisters landed in foster care. At first, all three of them. Soon, the youngest was returned to their mother. Yes, as you might guess, a story for another day.

In what surely must have been a rigged setup, Nellie and her older sister became wards of the state in the care of... Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yes, indeedy.

By the time Nellie left their home, she'd pretty much concluded that their religion, while it had grains of truth in it, was seriously whacked out of line. Her foster parents refused to allow her to apply at anything other than Bible colleges, so she spent her first year at a Bible college and promptly transferred away. She broke ties with them a few months after leaving their home.

But what she never could break, and in some ways still hasn't, is her frustration and disgust at the way religion was used to put her down, force her into an unrealistic and narrow-minded mold and keep her 'under the grip' of the preachers and leaders of the church.

Unfortunately, Nellie's first husband had been raised in much the same religious bent, and while he outwardly rejected religion as she did, he conveniently wished Nellie to live under its rules (while he conveniently did not). Can you imagine the problems that caused? Massive.

After her divorce, Nellie determined she would not raise her daughter in any religion whatsoever. It was simply too full of contradictions and meaningless rules.

So you might be surprised to learn that a couple years later, Nellie became Catholic. That's a story for another day perhaps. But she moved away to college and met a wonderful group of Catholic people who run a homeless shelter system in that small town. They are the epitome of what God wants of his people. Non judgmental, accepting, non-preachy nor demanding. Nellie was drawn to their views of God.

So she became Catholic. Well, to make a long story short, she's discovered in the past dozen years that how those people are Catholic is not representative of Catholics as a whole. And even though she learned this lesson fairly quickly (when she moved from that small town for a job), it took a decade before she truly gave up on the Catholic faith.

Nellie's religious turmoil just adds to her emotional turmoil overall. And emotional turmoil, as we already have established, leads to stressed out eating and lack of energy/motivation for doing the things she ought to be doing (exercising and remaining active).

Sometimes I think that Nellie just thinks too much. She carries too many hurts too close to her heart still. And those hurts cause her to be in continual pain. And pain can be exhibited in all sorts of twisted ways. Some people cut themselves, hurt themselves, fall into depression, fail to maintain any normal lifestyle. Nellie manages to avoid most of those destructive behaviors and cycles, but her pain comes out as food stuffed in.

How to get Nellie to stop thinking about this stuff all the time... I don't know. Maybe it's a bit of OCD in her that ruminates her pain, turning it like a flapjack so that it's perfectly well done on all sides?

Some things to consider. Until next time, I bid you all a good day.

Flo