So, Nervous Nellie doesn't like my nickname for her, huh? Why doesn't that surprise me? She's never been overly fond of nicknames, even those that weren't particularly offensive in any way. Names, as an issue, are a sensitive spot for Nellie. Yeah, she's weird. I've been telling you that all along, though, haven't I?
Nellie used to be a nail-biter, starting about the time she and her sisters were put into foster care (just before her 12th birthday). It got pretty bad at times to where she'd have bleeding fingers.
What finally cured her? Well, mostly it was piano lessons. She'd always wanted to play, and when her foster parents asked her "if you could play one musical instrument, what would it be?" she replied "piano or flute". In a stroke of genius, and one of the few nice things they did for her, they sent her to piano lessons for 2 years. While she didn't become a virtuoso or anything, the lessons allowed Nellie the basic knowledge to continue teaching herself for many years, and became an important emotional outlet for her in the years to come.
But how did Nellie stop biting her fingernails? Well, some days her fingers were so sore from biting them that she could not practice the piano. She had been given a key to the church next door to practice at her own will and she so desired the solitude and peace of the church (and the freedom to be there as long as she wished) that she spent countless hours practicing. And when her fingers hurt, she couldn't practice as long. In short, it became a simple choice. She chose music.
However, some things about Nellie's personality have not been so easy to banish. Recently, I overheard her and her oldest daughter having a conversation. They were talking about the daughter's father (Nellie's first husband). Leaving lots of unimportant details out, I will say that Nellie was explaining to her daughter that she needs to just understand that how her dad is is just how he is. It's a part of his personality and he likely isn't conscious of most of his behaviors that so alienate him from her.
The daughter shook her head as if she didn't want to believe it (it's always easier to blame someone than to try and understand them) . Nellie replied: "Well, look at me. There are things about my personality that I might not like but I can't really control them."
Daughter: what?
Nellie: for instance, in my brain, there's a hamster running on a little wheel and it never stops. Not when I sleep, not when I'm awake, not when I'm busy, happy, sad, bored, angry or working.
Daughter: a what?
Nellie: no matter what I'm doing, whether I like it or not, deep in my subconscious there's always something that my brain is worrying about. I can't control it, and it annoys the heck out of me, and no matter how irrational I know it is, it is there.
Daughter: what do you worry about?
Nellie: well, you know... there's the usual suspects: money, relationships, the economy, war, the health of my kids, and if there's nothing else to worry about, I go to bed at night and lay there awake, plotting out escape plans in case of a house fire and wondering if I locked all the doors or fed all the pets.
Daughter: oh [insert pause] so that's where I get it from.
It was a bit funny for Nellie to hear her daughter (who's now an adult) admit to having the same little hamster in the back of her mind, continuously ruminating on all the things there are to worry about in this world. Incidentally, Nellie has been trying for years to get this daughter not to bite her nails. Although she doesn't do it as much as chronic nail biters, she does nibble.
But on another level, it's also sad for Nellie to realize that her own inability to control her demons of worry have migrated to her daughter. Was this something genetic, or environmental, she wonders? If it was environmental--that is, growing up with a mother whose own nervousness and worry-wart mentality have impacted her, then Nellie feels somewhat to blame for passing it on.
It was a bit of an eye opener for Nellie, actually. She told her daughter how, more than a decade ago, she'd taken a low dose of anti-depressant for about a year after some particularly stressful events (sudden unemployment through no fault of her own, twice in one year, and mounting debt that eventually led to bankruptcy). Eventually the stressful events faded and she stopped taking the medications with her doctor's blessing.
However, now in looking back, the current stresses of life are mounting pretty heavily again and
perhaps it's not a bad thing to consider a little 'prescription boost' again. She's been considering a trip to her doctor, but hasn't yet made the call.
Her argument against the medication is that while it did indeed slow down the hamster, it also dulled her emotions such that she was mildly happy about things that previously made her very happy. Its as if she just existed in a world of pleasantness. Taking away the lows also took away the highs. It's not something Nellie looks forward to experiencing again, but it might be a trade off necessary to get her through the next year or so.
What does all this have to do with Nellie's eating and weight issues? Well, as you probably guess, they're all tied in together. When she worries a lot, she eats a lot. Obviously. Worry and stress are siblings of a twisted family that seems to branch ever so easily off Nellie's family tree.
I'll keep you posted on the status of Nellie's thinking on this. I rather think it might be a good idea for her. Anything that will reduce her reception to stress and slow down the hamster is fine by me!
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