Because she *can*, that's why!

Hello again. It's me, Flo, after a weekend absence. Not to say I wasn't busy taking notes on Nellie's behavior, but simply that Nellie didn't spend much time at the computer. Other duties (carpenter's assistant, plumber's assistant) called.

Nellie's house is a disaster, literally. Last summer there were floods and part of the basement wall broke through. So now the family is in the midst of construction. Cost overruns, weather delays, a house swaying in the breeze during a thunderstorm (it's up on steel beams right now). All these things cause stress. Not to mention years of carefully planned flowerbeds and bushes ripped up by the construction equipment! Egads! In an effort to do a lot on a shoestring budget (something Nellie is good at), the family has been doing a lot of the work themselves. So most weekends and spare time are spent on these projects. This weekend, it was hooking up the house's sewer to the new pipes run from the new basement. Oh boy, was that a crappy job, for sure! (haha, I crack myself up!)

But the stress of this project, while overwhelming at times, hasn't been a major contributor to Nellie's poor eating habits. Don't get me wrong--she's been eating like there's no tomorrow lately! The current situation did not cause her bad eating habits; it's merely become an easy way to pass the buck about it.

So last time we talked about how Nellie is a somewhat nervous individual. Indeed. Today I'd like to tell you about another deep-seated reason why I suspect Nellie eats the wrong things and too much of them. To be as simple and straight-forward as possible, let me just say this: because she can.

Without going into elaborate detail, let me reminisce about a few things from Nellie's childhood. In addition to the absentee father and dictator-mother, there was instability in the home due to financial problems. Mostly in that Nellie's mother rarely ever worked, and only did so just long enough to get caught up on bills, while relying on social security (from a deceased husband) to support the family. Once a month payments from the government never lasted very long, as they weren't intended to be the sole support of a family of four. But so long as she could manage, Nellie's mom never tried to rise above that paradigm. Frequent changes of boyfriend/husband also left the family displaced on more than one occasion, dependent on the charity of friends or other government and religious programs.

Although the occasions that Nellie recalls most vividly aren't numerous, she has a sense that there were many other times when the same situations arose that simply were not drastic enough to lodge a permanent complaint in her memory bank.

There were many times in the family's life where they lacked the most basic of items. Food, clothing, toothpaste, toilet paper, medical care when ill. Especially during Nellie's pre-teen years, from age nine to eleven, there were several shocking incidents that I won't detail here. But let me say, they're the types of stories that make people say "how did you ever survive and become as successful as you are?"

(as a side note, Nellie has written a fiction book that is based loosely on her life. If it ever gets published, I'll let you know and you can get the scoop!)

And even as a child, Nellie just knew that there was no way that she would live her adult life in deprivation.

Amazingly, for the most part Nellie hasn't ever lived in poverty as an adult. There were a couple of lean years after her first marriage and some slim years during the time after she graduated by college, but by age 35 she'd obtained 2 college degrees and had bought her own house. Not bad huh?

Nellie has never been a clothes-horse. She isn't particularly concerned about fashion and tends to buy and wear more classic clothing that doesn't need to be replaced every year. She doesn't feel the need to take fancy vacations (although that's a topic for another day) and doesn't replace her vehicles until actually necessary.

In general, I'd say that Nellie lives a moderate life. She's done well considering.

So what am I leading to? Well, Nellie's determination to do better for herself than her mother did has led her to a sort of mantra that isn't always healthy: because I'm an adult, and I can, and you can't tell me otherwise!

There were so many people telling Nellie 'no' all her growing up, she more or less decided that an an adult, she'd do whatever she damn well pleased, and nobody would say otherwise.

And herein lies our problem. When Nellie has too many things that she must tell herself 'no' to all the time, ultimately she must say 'yes' to something. To not say 'yes' to SOMEthing would mean that her world view isn't accurate. That she doesn't ultimately control her destiny, and that even as an adult, she can not do whatever she chooses.

For the most part she chooses wisely. She chooses what's best for others (such as by staying home with her kids) over herself. But by telling herself 'no' (as in no, it's not a good idea to put 2 infants into daycare and work just because you are bored being home), she's setting herself up for a sense of failure. So she must say 'yes' to something.

So hence, when it comes to food, she has not been choosing wisely for quite some time now. She eats because it's there, and she wants to eat it. She eats without thought (or mere fleeting thought) of the consequences.

If she thought about the consequences, she might not eat it. But if she has to tell herself 'no' yet again, she'll lose her delusions of control. If she can't eat what she wants, then she has to face the fact that (by having more children) she can't do what she wants either (in terms of having a job, saving money, etc).

So, in a way it sounds like Nellie is blaming her kids, or perhaps her husband, for her issues? No, don't think of it that way. Nellie's situation merely is highlighting to her the fact that she's lived in a little bubble for more than twenty years now, wherein she plays the part of the capable adult who can juggle everything, be all she wants to be, and never have to tell herself 'no'. It's been a nice fantasy, hasn't it?

Eating is about the last thing Nellie feels she has in her life right now that she can really 'control' 100%. The kids' needs come first. The house repairs need doing first. Her husband's job (which supports the family) takes priority now. If she has to tell herself 'no' to food a thousand times a day, she believes that she'll feel very out of control.

Ahhh, irony is an amazing thing, is it not? What Nellie doesn't seem to understand is that by eating so much, she really is out of control. Try telling her that, though! Some people just don't want to listen to reason, nor see the obvious right under their nose! That's Nellie in a nutshell. Living in her little bubble. Insisting she has everything under control, and that she is the master of her own destiny.

In order to keep up this facade, then, what choice does she have but to allow herself the indulgence that food brings. It's not really her fault, she concludes. She gives up so much to please those she loves. All she is asking for is a little bit of happiness for herself. A chocolate brownie here, a soda there. A handful of chips, a sneaked second helping. Food tastes so good, and by being as hard working as she's been, she's earned the right to eat it. Because she's an adult and by God nobody's going to tell her otherwise!!

Do you get the idea that Nellie is a bit resistant to the notion of cutting back on food? Yes, friends, this is going to be a long haul I suspect. How do you argue with "because I'm an adult and I can, that's why!" ???

Now, let me clue you in on a little-known fact. Nellie, despite her belief to the contrary, does have choices available to her that she chooses to ignore and push them aside. Choices that, if she seriously pursued them, might give her something else to say 'yes' to and thus allow her to say 'no' to food without sacrificing her little bubbley-facade of control she chooses to live in.

What are these choices, you ask? Well, Nellie has a world of opportunity available to her to continue her writing. A way for her to have a life outside the family, earn money and even acquire that elusive but oft dreamed of fame.

Well, you might ask, why doesn't she quit stuffing her face and focus all that energy on something positive???? Well, that's tomorrow's expose'. You'll have to wait until then to find out.