Yes, I am like an archaeologist on an important dig. I start out taking a shovel and hauling out a few good chunks of dirt. Then I move to the hand trowel. And finally, as I inch closer and closer to the item I'm seeking to uncover, I pull out the tiny brush and gently dab at my finding.
Nellie's been feeling the effects of my shoveling and troweling. In fact, she's trying very hard to get me to shut up. In the day since my last post, Nellie has consumed some pretty drastic servings of ice cream (not something she normally even likes a lot of), a horrible-tasting but no-doubt fattening brownie, larger helpings of every meal and today, a half-pound of chocolate covered peanuts.
What's up with that, Nellie, I want to ask. Why is she punishing me...or is she punishing herself? Does she think that feeding me, granted except for that horrid brownie it was all pretty darn good, I'll stop my quest, stop excavating down to the last speck of dust?
Oh no, Nellie, don't you go thinking you can stop me that easily!! No sirree, I'm not going to stop, and unless you are going to forsake your computer, you won't likely get me to shut up anytime soon.
You see, Nellie knows what's coming. I promised you there was much more to her eating habits and sure, there are several topics I've been mulling. But there's one biggie to come. Nellie desperately doesn't want me to talk about this. She thinks it will do no good to bring it up; nothing will change. But still, it lurks under every decision about food that she makes.
I hadn't planned to really drop the L-Bomb --Nellie's BIG issue-- just yet but thought I'd deal more with the trivial matters of food and fat first.
But the past few days have really convinced me that we need to get this out into the open. Sooner is better than later. If Nellie has her way, I'll never talk about this, so out with it!
What, you are probably wondering, is the L-Bomb? Well, it's going to be my way of referring to the L's of Nellie's life. Love and Loneliness.
Nellie tries to poo-poo away the effects of these issues, but I know that it's literally eating away at her. And as these high-charged emotional issues eat at her, well, you already know what she does to shut it up (as if that works... come on Nellie, get real!).
Yeah, deep down she knows that it doesn't work. But it's all she knows to do to ease the emotions that arise in both of these situations.
Let's take a brief look at Nellie's education about, and experience with, both of these L-Bombs.
First, love. Nellie doesn't really recall any sense of love from her family as a child. She didn't have the supremely confident knowledge that her mother loved her no matter what. She didn't feel love from her older, bossy and acting-out older sibling, either. Her younger sister, nearly five years her junior, was pretty loving. That's one relationship that she's always maintained fairly easily. Without a stable father in the picture, where was a child to get love?
Nellie didn't really bond with most of her step-fathers or mother's boyfriends. They rarely lasted more than six months (even the marriages). She soon learned to live a solitary life within the bubble of her existence.
Nellie's mom talks about how much she always loved her kids and did what she felt was best for them, but Nellie doesn't remember things that way. Backing her up are the memories of her siblings, who also say they didn't feel that their mom was "all about her kids" like she claims.
So Nellie grew up not really feeling loved, and rather feeling that it wasn't terribly important. When you never know you're missing something, you tend not to feel neglected or at a loss. It's only when you have something and then lose it, that you realize what you are missing.
Nellie's teen years were spent in the foster care system. This is a whole other can of worms meant for another day. But as for lessons in love, there were scant few. Her foster parents' marriage was a strange one, indeed, and while they claimed to love each other, it seemed more like a marriage of convenience for the both of them.
One thing that she did observe and pick up on, however, was that two adults can live under the same roof and not be fighting and angry constantly. That was definitely a revelation for her. While she contributes most of this semi-peaceful existence to her foster-mother's religious beliefs (in that the man is the boss and the woman goes along with whatever), she does look back and realize that it was good for her to see *something* different than what she'd thus far observed in her mother's interactions with men.
So Nellie went into the world as an adult, with a boyfriend who was a year ahead of her and already in college. Here again, a story for another day. There weren't any real lessons she learned about Love from him or his family, except to say that there are some seriously twisted views of 'love' in the world.
Several years of dating long-distance led to marriage and Nellie's oldest daughter. The marriage itself was over within months of the wedding, in Nellie's view point. It dragged on for four and a half long years before she finally walked away from the situation.
But one thing that she definitely took out of that relationship was a sense that her marriage had been immensely lonely.
Ahhhh, so this leads us to Lonely, the other L-Bomb.
Suffice it to say, Nellie's growing up, and years in the foster home, were full of loneliness. She'd always been a bit shy and solitary as a child, and while she always had a few loyal friends, she's remained, to this day, a somewhat solitary adult. She's a home body and enjoys peace and quiet, a simple existence and a good book or a sewing project.
But one thing that Nellie insisted, when single, was that if she ever got into a long-term relationship again, she refused to be lonely.
That song by Dan Fogelberg "Lonely In Love" is what comes to mind. "Baby You're My One and Only, Why Must I be Lonely In Love?"... ahhh yes, Dan and Nellie must have been soul mates or something because so much of his music resonates the feelings and experiences of Nellie's life. In fact, I think that if her fictionalized account of her family ever were turned into an epic movie, the entire soundtrack could be easily found amongst the body of work by Dan Fogelberg. It was a sad day, indeed, when he was lost to the world earlier this year.
Okay, well, if you haven't ever heard the full song, you can read the lyrics in full on Dan Fogelberg's website:
http://www.danfogelberg.com/alphalyrics3.htmlSo well, anyway, all my background has probably led you to the proper conclusion already. Yes, Nellie is, despite her determination never to be in this position again, lonely in love.
How did this happen? Well, I have to say that it's kind of Nellie's own fault. She suspected that things might end up this way, but she didn't back out of the relationship anyway. Why?
Well, it wasn't because she was desperate to stop being single. Nellie had dated a handful of men in the eight years since her divorce. Nobody lasted much longer than six months; half didn't last that long! She'd pretty much been burnt out by dating. If it wasn't a man cheating on her (egads, let's see...of the five she dated in those years, three cheated!), it was a man who was trying to turn her into something she wasn't (yes a story for another day) or a man who was still in love with another woman. Yeah, she picked some winners!
Which is
exactly why she didn't back out of the relationship with her current husband, whom I'll call Ned. Ned is as faithful as the family dog. Ned wasn't still in love with his ex and had no agenda to turn Nellie into something that she wasn't.
Ned had a lot of great qualities going for him. Those were mighty attractive to Nellie. He's funny--he's the kind of guy that everybody likes. He's easy-going, not a hot-headed control freak like her first husband.
He's hard-working. He's been putting in as much overtime as he can for all these past five-plus years so that Nellie could be home with the kids.
He loves his kids and is proud of them. He's sweet and considerate far more often than any other man Nellie dated.
Oh, and did I mention that he's an excellent cook? Nellie started packing on the pounds almost immediately after they began dating!
So what on earth does Nellie have to complain about, you may ask.
Well, perhaps Nellie has unrealistic expectations of relationships, but it is what it is: she's lonely!
Ned is a blue-collar worker with a physically laborious job. He's been working 10-hour days for five years now. And on and off for months on end, sometimes it's 6 days a week. It's been 6 days a week for five months now.
Ned is pretty typical of Midwestern blue-collar workers in many ways. His life is very predictable and he likes it that way. He goes to work early in the morning, works all day, comes home and eats a big meal, then promptly retires to the recliner where he sits with the dog in his lap, snoozes on and off all evening, and eventually collapses into bed when he wakes at some point in the night.
Nellie feels guilty expecting more out of him, but most nights she has the vague sense that except for his brief appearance at the dinner table (he eats quickly and leaves her and the kids alone to finish a lot of nights), she may as well be a single parent. But unlike being a true single parent, she's not free to seek out any other man for emotional companionship. That would be considered either cheating, or nearly-cheating (as the rules for relationships have become more complex with the addition of the internet).
And even though you didn't ask, no doubt you can guess about how much of a sex life this evening routine gives the couple. In short...not much.
Ned gets defensive and makes excuses if Nellie tries to voice her feelings about the situation to him. Doesn't she realize his job is physically demanding? Doesn't she realize that he's working as much as he can for the family? It all boils down to: don't you appreciate me?
Ned needs to feel appreciated, and for sure Nellie does her part to make sure he's appreciated. She tries very hard not to nag him about helping out with the house, the kids, the pets. If he's sound asleep when the kids need putting to bed, she does it herself. If he cooks and leaves a mess, she cleans it up. If he washes laundry and leaves it in a wrinkled mess, she folds it.
Not to say she's a saint; she does her share of bitching at him for things he does that annoy her. But when it comes to her real feelings about the quality of their emotional relationship, she pretty much keeps quiet these days.
Nellie has some pretty specific ideas on what things could improve this situation, but Ned will have no part of it. First off, she'd like to banish the TV. When Nellie was single, she and her daughter spent most of those years without a working TV at all. They never, ever had cable or satellite TV. If they watched TV, it was usually a movie they owned or rented. When they were done watching the movie or show, the TV went off. It was never on for 'background noise' and instead they spent time reading, working puzzles, playing games or being active.
Ned knew that Nellie's life was like this, and when the pair first began to talk about living together (as Nellie absolutely refused to consider marriage until knowing if she could live peacefully under the same roof as Ned), Nellie brought up her concerns about Ned's level of TV watching.
He assured her that it was simply because he lived alone and had nothing else to occupy his evenings. While skeptical, Nellie accepted his answer. When they moved to the house they still live in, Nellie suggested choosing at least 2 days per week when the TV would not be turned on at all. Ned initially agreed, but never really stuck to it. Nellie at first objected, but she didn't put her foot down.
And so now seven years later, the TV is on seven days a week, from the moment Ned finishes his supper to the moment she turns it off sometime after he's fallen asleep.
More TV time has taken its toll on Nellie, too, by the way. She used to ride bike a lot, walk in the evenings. In order to spend any time at all with Ned, she's learned that she must sit in front of the TV with him, most likely munching on something as well.
So Nellie most definitely feels that the TV is a large culprit in the whole fat-battle. And I have to agree. It is much easier for me to beef up if the TV keeps her sendentary.
However, there are many evenings when Nellie just can't stomach the thought of sitting and watching TV. These are times when she either reads a book in another room, works on her solitary hobbies (sewing, crochet), plays with the kids elsewhere (although they, too, have come to realize that getting ANY time with Daddy in the evening means sitting with him to watch TV) or spending time at the computer. All of which leave her feeling lonely when she realizes that there in the next room is a man she really loves, but who takes no interest in her whatsoever.
Ned has occasionally made note of Nellie's computer time and how he feels that she spends more time with the computer than him. What a twist of irony! haha! What he can't seem to understand, no matter how many times Nellie tells him this, is that she'd rather spend time with the computer (where at least she can create and communicate with friends online) than with the TV. Spending time with Ned in front of the TV equates basically spending time with the TV. He just doesn't get it. Or maybe he's setting her up to "take the blame" here by acting like Nellie is ignoring him. Hard to say how that will pan out.
But I do know that if Ned said "let's take a walk" or "let's play a game" or "let's just chat about our lives" she'd be flipping the monitor off so fast his head would spin! Try telling him that, though. It becomes a handy excuse for him: well, Nellie is always on the computer... why shouldn't I watch TV & be comfortable??
So what does Nellie do in response to all of Ned's TV time and lack of any emotional time for their relationship? All together now (you should know this by now): she eats.
In her own twisted logic, Nellie feels that since Ned doesn't seem to notice or care, she rarely puts on makeup (in fact, tells her he doesn't care if she wears makeup or not). She doesn't bother to dress up, preferring sweats or yoga pants that stretch and baggy tee shirts. She doesn't fix her hair, because no matter how she looks, Ned will say 'you look fine' to her.
He thinks that by being 'accepting' of whatever, he's showing Nellie that he loves her. But all he's really showing her is that he doesn't care. That's not love. That's apathy.
Now, don't get me wrong. Nellie does believe that Ned loves her. But she also believes (and has believed since early in the relationship) that Ned is somehow emotionally stunted in terms of being able to be
truly present in this relationship. Was it something in the nature of the relationship between his parents that gave him these strange notions of how to behave in marriage? Is it some leftover baggage from his first marriage? I tend to think it was the first. His parents, while they loved their kids and (presumably) each other, were only peripherally involved in each other's lives. He seems to think that the status quo he grew up with is acceptable, or maybe that breaking out of that mold would mean having to examine the dysfunction that was his parents' marriage (both are deceased now, so it's easier to just remember the good & forget the bad).
Either way, Ned almost subconsciously builds up walls between himself and Nellie, and being too tired, too engrossed in a TV show, too sore to be involved, have become easy walls indeed.
Another oldie but goodie in terms of songs comes to mind. Barry Manilow, singing a song about father and son: we're two ships that pass in the night. But we smile and we say it's all right. We're still here, it's just that we're out of sight, like those ships that pass in the night.
Nellie feels like she and Ned are ships that pass in the night. They love each other, there's no doubt about that. But Ned's choices, whether conscious or subconscious, are causing Nellie to live a life of loneliness. She wants a husband who will spend time with her in the evening, not time in front of the TV.
She wants a husband who will read to the kids (and not just one quick book so as to ease his conscience so he can hurry up and get to his TV). She wants someone who has enough energy after a day of work to go for a walk (Ned always says his feet hurt) and will be awake for a while so that she can chat with him or just have someone to say to her 'how was your day?'.
It's those things: taking time to be with her and talking to her, that indicate to her that she's loved. Sure, Ned does {in his own way} show love to Nellie, but he also needs to understand that she needs to have it shown in ways that mean something to her, too! Sometimes she thinks Ned really doesn't even know her. It's like they stopped talking the minute they started having sex, or the minute they moved in together. The talking, the sharing, the getting to know each other should not stop after the initial phase of the relationship. Yet, for Ned, it was sufficient. It wasn't for Nellie.
And lastly, she wants someone who cares about her health. Ned thinks that by being 'accepting' of her no matter what she weighs, that he's showing he cares. Actually, Nellie feels just the opposite about it. It's almost like she's purposely
not losing weight, just to see if she can force Ned to care about
something...anything! What if she got to be 300 pounds? Would he care? What if she ends up diabetic, housebound, incapable of caring for herself? Would he care?
See, in order for Ned to care about how Nellie treats her own body, he'd have to become conscious of and learn to care about how he treats his body. Ned has been a smoker since high school. In eight years with Nellie, he's attempted to quit, actually quit for a couple years, but started again in secret, and now smokes those evil small cigars. He smokes maybe one in the evening at home. Sometimes two. Always outside, in any weather, so the kids won't see. He won't be able to hide this forever, but he still tries. So he's not a chain smoker. But he knows he shouldn't smoke; he knows that Nellie hates it. But she accepts it.
Ned also has high cholesterol (very bad, in fact) and yet continues to pander to his equally bad eating habits. Before Ned came along, Nellie helped curb her eating by simply not buying and having junk food in the house. If she needed something that badly, she'd go out, buy one serving (mini half pint of ice cream, single-serve bag of chips, one can of soda) and be done with it. But Ned, well, he works hard and he feels that he deserves to have ice cream, soda, chips and dip and all that stuff handy for his evening snacking (which incidentally hasn't gone down since he started up smoking again). He thinks that Nellie, if she feels those things are bad for her, simply shouldn't eat them. More for him. He feels that she should not punish him by refusing to allow those foods in the house. She should have the self-control not to eat them.
Yet his own double-standard (i.e., expecting Nellie to have the self-control not to eat the junk while he himself doesn't have the self-control to stop smoking completely) escapes him. Conveniently.
Ned also shuns exercise of any sort and conveniently blames his slothful behavior on his job and a back injury he suffered some years ago. But Nellie doesn't buy it any more. He wasn't like this for several months when they dated before living together. He managed to stay awake and do things in the evening with her and even said he'd like to bike or walk in the evenings. And even more telling, when Ned has a week of vacation, is well-rested and not laboring physically day in and out, he still maintains the same routine--exhausted by 7:00 p.m. and insisting that he must be in his recliner in front of the TV. When he's home on a weekend, after sleeping in in the morning, he falls asleep at 10:00 a.m. in the recliner, in front of the TV.
Nellie believes very strongly that "being tired/sleepy/sore feet/aching back" while they may have some basis in reality, have become a convenient way for Ned not to be
present emotionally in their relationship.
Whether it's because he doesn't know how to have a truly emotional relationship, or he's afraid to do so, she doesn't know. And she doesn't know how to determine which it is. She's considered demanding that they seek the assistance of a specialist, but she knows that while Ned will go along with it, he won't easily do the introspective work required to come to any real conclusions about himself and act accordingly.
What are her other options? To go have an affair? Hardly Nellie's style at all. However, the temptation to find a male friend for some emotional bonding is present. Considering her lack of social life however, it's hardly going to be happening.
Should she try to shake Ned from his complacency by demanding he change...or else? Since she has no real intentions of breaking up the family over this issue, that seems a rather ineffective way to proceed.
Should she tell Ned how she feels? Well, believe me, she's been down that route before. Several times. And what has been the result? Do you
really have to ask? Yes, Ned has made efforts to change. For a day or two. Maybe a week.
But since Ned really doesn't understand
the root of the issue: that until he makes permanent changes in his behavior that result in him being able to spend more quality time with his wife and children and result in him truly caring about the health of the entire family, Nellie will forever be languishing in love and filling her emptiness with chocolate covered peanuts and brownies.
But mostly, unless he cares enough to change for his own sake, nothing is going to change.
However, that being said, don't think I'm going to let Nellie off the hook on the eating thing. Understanding why she's eating like this is one thing. Letting it continue unchecked for another...no way girl.
I don't know how just yet, but I'm going to find some way to get through to her. Maybe I should just beat Ned upside the head with a two-by-four and tell him his wife is eating herself to an early grave because she's lonely in love.
Don't suppose that would work, though. So back to the drawing board for me.
Not sure what our next topic will be. This is going to take some getting used to for Nellie--now that the words are down there in black and white and read all over (lol, old joke... in another generation no kid will have a clue what a newspaper even is!). So expect my next report to include all sorts of junk she's stuffing in her face, insecure in the knowledge that her big secret with the L-Bombs is out there in cyberspace for all to see!!
